SEXUAL 5 1. Passion in the Sphere of Instinct: How Avarice Works in the Sexual instinct The E5 is anguished by imminent impoverishment, and that is why it withholds. This is what the greed is: an unwillingness to offer oneself (dedication, presence, affection) to others. He does not recognize the needs of others and lives apart from his own feelings and contact with the other. Even so, the sexual instinct, mythologically represented by the Greek god Eros, is characterized, unlike the passion of greed, precisely by an impulse of union and satisfaction of desires and needs, of encounter and abundance. It is based on relationships, spontaneity, and openness. With sexual greed, then, the question arises: what happens when the passion to retain and get away from the other-with its strong sense of poverty, focuses on the instinct that requires meeting, giving and receiving and, above all, gratifying and disposing? The presence of these antagonistic forces divides the sexual E5 into an internal conflict between contact and withdrawal, between reason and feeling, between mind and body, between excitement and apathy. This polarization is the theme of the sexual Five, which is the countertype among the enneatype 5. If the priority is the satisfaction of the sexual instinct, we will have to consider Eros as the main object of greed. A portrait of the daily life of a sexual Five shows us a withdrawn and distrustful person, who wanders the world halfway between exposing himself and hiding. It is not as isolated from social contact as the other subtypes, but it will never be found in the center of discussions. He tries not to attract attention but he wants to be seen in some way. He presents himself in a different and unusual way, but not to the point of making people turn to look at him. Retention of the sexual instinct The most obvious aspect of the greedy character is a restraint marked by fear, behind which lies the fantasy that letting go means catastrophic emptying. In the sexual E5, the fear of letting go has to do precisely with the erotic drive, which he keeps inside and reserves for a better occasion, as if it were something to accumulate. Which leads to avoiding encounters that may not be as rewarding as it imagined. Which includes becoming emotionally involved in a sexual relationship, or explicitly expressing its interest in a person. It is not just a matter of stopping the action but even before the spontaneity of the body itself and its natural receptivity, which are what make the "dance" possible in a relationship. Poverty, and the dehydration of vitality are primary traits that characterize the Five. Disconnected from his body and emotionally cold, he deduces that survival involves holding on. He lacks the vitality to go in search of gratification, leading to only having energy to maintain its resources. He gets used to having the minimum and renounces the gratification. In the case of the sexual subtype, their greatest experience of impoverishment will be the lack of love, coupled with the physical-emotional memory of lost fulfillment. This will lead, as we will see, to the blind and incessant search for the idyll that he lost in his day -the supreme love of the other- and to paralysis, for living this idyll in fantasy. “The most decisive contact I could have had in my life was mutilated, it didn't happen: the experience of my mother's love. At an early age I realized that life would not have much to give me, starting with breast milk. inside of the I was seen from 1, but Today I am clear that it was the experience of a mother's love that I was looking for in the unconditional love of a woman” – Alexandre V. “Withdraw from eroticism, from spontaneity, from play... for fear of losing what? Pleasure. Or rather, I am afraid of not feeling anything, of being powerless or not liking it; that it is only an obligation that I do not want. brand it meant It is a basic distrust in the natural abundance of love, both mine and the other people.” – Giulio M. Loving the other for oneself: isolating oneself in the relationship This character gives primacy to the intimate relationship, usually a romantic partner, but can extend to some select friends or a spiritual teacher. Hence, resulting in the derelict of the other dimensions of his life. (Although we can find sexual E5 whose basic motivation is work or some political cause, which will make their partner the primary object of their existence.) As a miser, he wants the other person all for himself, in a bubble of intimacy from which he excludes the rest. It is, of course, in the couple where this tendency is more expressed. The sexual miser seeks a relationship that satisfies his ideal love fantasy, in which he can fully express himself. It is in the couple where he aspires to find his lair. Greed holds him back, while sexual instinct pushes him toward the relationship; the (neurotic) compromise solution is to isolate oneself in the intimate relationship. Ideal of solitude versus ideal of the couple The lack of vitality leads the E5 to a constant need to be alone, in an attempt to recover lost energy and thus be able to assimilate their experience with the other. Human contact is what most wears out a Five, who cannot complete their experience with the other at the moment it occurs; only later, in isolation. “Of course, we are left alone, because we do not lower ourselves to the earthly and imperfect loves of others, nor to relationships that we consider superficial. It would be a waste of time and energy.” – Giulio M. Every Five harbors an ideal of solitude. The sexual five shares it, but resists it for another ideal, that of a sacred, perfect, almost divine relationship and where the other does not make an emotional demand. He feels a desire for seclusion and, at the same time, to love and be loved. “Maybe he didn't even need the woman there that much, just that feeling and confidence of being loved. I felt like Henry David Thoreau living alone in his cabin in Walden. With his walks through nature but with a passionate and intense heart like Nietzsche's. These were my dreams when I started Philosophy in college: to get in touch with my existential angst and stay in my solitary search, in seclusion. But I had to have my girlfriend nearby to give me security and not let me feel loneliness in all its harshness (as long as she didn't demand too much of me, of course).” – Alexandre V. Fearing being swallowed by their caregivers, children of this subtype protect themselves with isolation, but continue to dream of it and feed on those crumbs - with a mother's love that, in reality, is not enough. The feeling of scarcity linked to the lack of vitality is so great that, as an adult. He is sexual imagines his partner as someone who can give him everything, fill him up and rescue him, which justifies the almost divine character that this object of his desire must possess. This illusory yearning for unconditional and absolute love is the source of all the rest of your mistakes in life. Eros in fantasy Experiencing the tension between the need for solitude and the desire for relationship, the most comfortable option for a sexual miser is isolation, and this is how Eros's call to relationship will be satisfied through fantasy. The greedy accumulation is, here, of some romantic and sexual fantasies that make up a surrogate relationship. A compensatory hyperstimulation is constituted in pseudo-eroticism and pseudo-love, in the pretense of possessing love without actually entering into the relationship, of experiencing the intensity of Eros independently of contact with another real person, The lack of vitality to deal with the demands of the other couples with the unreal nature of the love they seek generates a strong attraction towards a symbolic experience of love. This excess of fantasy, combined with its repression, results in the lack of fulfillment of desire. “As a teenager I read many love stories, I fed on them. And I was living platonic love affairs as I idealized my love life, trusting that I would experience a unique and perfect romance, that I would marry a virgin, have eight children, and be a wonderful wife and mother.” Difficulty with concrete, real relationships The reality is starkly different from his dreams. An amusing historical example of this situation is the Confessions of Rousseau, a famous sexual E5. The young thinker dreamed of Zulieta, the most desired courtesan in the region, and heavenly fortune favored his muse. Full of poetry he wrote: "Never have pleasures so sweet been offered to the heart and senses of a mortal." But already realizing how inexperienced and incapable he was of acting up to his fantasies, fear invaded him and, in order not to be exposed to total shame, "my eyes were opened and, in an impulse of survival, I told her that her breasts were slightly disharmonious. To which she responded like a bolt of lightning, "Honey, give up. Quit and dedicate yourself to mathematics.” “When he gave me the first kiss, my heart, which previously vibrated excessively, was no longer present. The feeling was that of a strong wind that had blown away everything I imagined. I was deserted. I felt like a helpless child who had just woken up in an unknown place, with no one around. I wanted, at all costs, to get out of there and go to my room as soon as possible. I can't even say I was confused, with other conflicting feelings, because there was nothing. But, once again alone at last, I could relive my dreams. Honestly, I don't know how we managed to keep dating.” – Maria Luiza F. However, once the initial problems of the drama in which this romantic dreamer is involved are overcome, if he fulfills his desire and stays with it, the sexual E5 will find himself in another potentially enslaving situation: detachment from relationships that have already ended. To the protective restriction against the danger of invasion and usurpation of his affective "patrimony", corresponds, as a polarity, the attachment to a regressive state of fusion with the other. It's hard for him to let go of what's over, and he can get stuck for a long time. The end of a relationship is a great challenge for a sexual E5: the pain of abandonment, the fear of the future and the weakness that arises from the loss of the fantasy will be obstacles to facing real life. A healthy move would be not to indulge in new fantasies seeking to relieve pain in pseudo-vitality, but to be realistic. He first refuses to let something into his life, and then refuses to let it out (even the most unhealthy): that is how impervious greed is to the sexual instinct. He lets himself be carried away by the circumstances of life, waiting for the love that will grant him freedom. The person is stagnant, life does not flow and there comes a time when what is inside rots, becomes ill and thus further diminishes its vitality, in a vicious circle of passivity. “I waited more than twenty years for a woman who never came. And in that time of waiting, I found in fantasy and seduction, in alcohol and other narcotics - like exaggerated *** - an artifice to replace her, while I kept waiting. I was running away at all costs from the responsibility of making my life move; and got stuck.” – Alexandre V. “Until I was twenty-one, I remained alone, waiting for the ideal love. When I found the woman who embodied the ideal and we got engaged, the relationship lasted only two years; she left me. But I remained obsessively attached to her for the next ten years, trying to get her to come back to me. Only then could I feel complete, I would give meaning to my existence... I put my life in her hands.” – Piero A. One of the most painful and difficult to overcome traits in this greed is the lack of experience of a sense of continuity in life and, consequently, the stripping in the sentimental relationship of any sense of integrity and duration. The sexual Is plunges here into a silent desperation in the face of the lack of meaning, a consequence of the disunity of its parts. The renunciation of love The impression of poverty leads the miser to refrain from going to have and to protect what little he has left: renunciation and retention at the same time. He clings to himself as compensation, resigning himself and pseudo-gratifying himself with the bare minimum. More difficult to understand is the role of a neurotic self-demand. Perfectionism is insatiable and requires a herculean effort. But when it comes to the satisfaction of needs and desires, the ego inverts itself and minimizes them to the point of renunciation. Greed removes all positive experience from a person's life. It tyrannically restricts everything that could be translated as life, abundance or spiritual peace. The miser not only retains what little he has, but structures himself to sabotage any possibility of abundance and gratuity in life. And when it comes to the instinct of union, pleasure and, why not, life, it blocks these possibilities. The sexual E5 renounces love and rejects abundance, plenitude, and even spontaneity. The inner child is gradually destroyed by minimizing its own life, its enthusiasm and its freedom of expression, in a slow and painful agony. At this time, the sexual instinct is already very dysfunctional: the Eros is unrecognizable and works against itself. The renunciation of greed pollutes the sexual instinct with the search for a fantastic encounter that fits the mold of an idealized other. It is a self-sabotage, where it leaves the dimension of the relationship, the concrete experience with your partner, in your attempt to rise above the human, towards the sublime. Inevitably frustrated, he returns to resignation and renunciation, confirming his sense of scarcity. But as the sexual instinct continues to struggle, it returns to the opposite pole to require again, and again an absolute satiety will be impossible to obtain. This is how the conflict is perpetuated and becomes increasingly insecure, anxious and fragile, blow by blow more distant and indifferent. As Naranjo explains, quoting Karen Horney, an unhealthy abdication replaces an open hand to gratification. For this to happen, it is necessary to emotionally disconnect. In this way the person is not affected by events, but neither is he transformed by his experiences, he does not learn from them. The sexual E5 is affected by this to the extreme in the love experience, where he fails to assimilate and change with his experience, given the devastating impact it has on him. “I am very sensitive and vulnerable, and I feel that this is a weakness. I am very open to being hurt (maybe even willing) and with a love hurt I suffer a lot. I remain paralyzed in an arid present, internally living a past that wasn't much, and begging in fantasy for a love that I didn't have in its fullness. Until I end up integrating this negative experience into my self-concept: I incorporate the wound, the weakness and the consequent feeling that loving is dangerous.” – Alexandre V. The sexual dimension is the most illuminating representation of the behavior of a sexual E5; shows the spiritual poverty in which he lives. Her interpretations, and the consequent wrong decisions, are an attempt to recover what can no longer be lived (a positive maternal experience) which, directed towards the gap that she so wants to heal, serves only to perpetuate her mendicant condition. Greed is normally understood to hold back and not give oneself to others. Sexual greed is the miserable attitude, and experience, of taking what little one thinks he has in order not to lose it, stopping going to meet the other and not allowing the other to come to him and take away what he barely achievement. Now, if I'm afraid and I don't want to give myself up, what happens to the union drive? The sexual E5 acts unaware of the contradiction between fear and desire. In the tension generated between the passion to retain and the relational imperative required by Eros, the solution he finds, as grotesque as it may seem, is an "implicit kidnapping and captivity" of the idealized person chosen as the object of his love and dedication. This is a blind spot for the simple reason that the sexual Is confuses love and relationship with possession and exclusivity. 2. The characteristic neurotic need Our neurotic traits are those ways of defending ourselves against suffering that we learned at an early age, and that change with each enneatype. The pain of abandonment and not being recognized in natural erotic needs, in spontaneity and in animal expression, together with the lack of respect for his privacy -with an invasive mother and an absent father- were the most painful wounds for the sexual E5 as a child. He lost confidence in his mother, in his father, in himself and in life. And, in an attempt to heal this wound, he will make trust the central theme of his affective life, with idealization as the most striking feature. He is looking for someone who corresponds one hundred percent to his ideal of trust, an unattainable requirement. The Trust The neurosis of confidence has two forms of manifestation or, in other words, it can be understood from two complementary perspectives. First, it is the demand that the other fully trust and correspond to his ideal of perfection. Second, it is a complete trust in the other. This idealization of intimacy is typified as an intimacy neurosis. This extraordinary need for trust is the result of the invasion of the sexual instinct by the passion of greed. It is still a "reverse trust", since taking possession of the other contradicts the act of trusting him. Fear forces him to make sure that he is being loved, that he is not being betrayed; and then imprisons the couple. The confidence that the sexual E5 seeks is totally insane. It is the madness of trusting that a prisoner will accept you back. And there is yet another "prison" that hinders the truth. To encounter: the struggle with oneself, the struggle between trust and intimacy against the difficulty of trusting and making intimate contact. (In the end, a conflict between invading and being invaded.) It sounds strange to talk about invasion and being invaded when it comes to a Five. And, in fact, the sexual, like the other subtypes of the E5, has an aversion to invading and being invaded. However, in the intimate relationship the situation is reversed and the aversion is transformed into imperative desire. The person of this character invades the intimacy of others and also wants to be “invaded in his intimacy for guarantee” and to czar his vital need: trust. He knows unconsciously that it is not in the other that he will find this place. Even so, he needs a confidence above normal, the confidence that the other will repair his loss of being. It is visceral fear with visceral hope: creating total chaos. The act of trusting is constituted as a counterphobic attitude to deal with fear and his “ghosts (the other), because he longs to give himself something whole, despite the fear of losing himself in that surrender. It is not bravery but the recklessness, almost suicidal, of an unreal maneuver, like a child who enters the lion's cage believing that it is enough to cover his eyes to be safe. Here operates the defense mechanism that psychoanalysis calls identification with the aggressor. The other intimate is, potentially, an imminent and fatal danger for a sexual E5 yet he surrenders to him anyways with maximum openness. Confidence is, in a way, “free” of fear; it serves as a diversion from real fear. We have already seen that a strong characteristic of sexual greed is possession: seizing another's intimacy. This is not the explicit invasion or possession that we see in sexual E8 or E6. It is, like any sexual attitude, a silent movement that is not clearly visible, to satisfy the sick need for intimacy. The intimacy The E5 sexual is moved by the desire for intimacy with his partner or with his select friends. But it is unattainable: their relationships do not reflect true interaction, and this leads to a lack of genuine intimacy. The longing for intimacy consists of the desire to become fully known by the other in the deepest part of himself - again, the unattainable -, in contrast to his fear of going to the depths of himself. And the other has to be totally available to be known too. This "open and trusting" attitude is actually pure distrust. In order to trust, the sexual E5 needs to know everything about the other. The couple must present themselves in the most perfect transparency and open to total intimacy. Excessive trust and intimacy feed off each other negatively. The person of this character has to know that he is not being betrayed or about to be abandoned. Because of this intimacy, he will know everything that happens to the other, including his most secret desires. Try to live in a hyperconscious state of fusion with your partner; intimacy gives the guarantee for this trust. Confidence creates an illusion of affective abundance and unconditional love: surrendering to trust the other absolutely is an incorrect form of surrender (greed). Fantasy is to be divinely loved for another human being and, knowing the sexual weakness of this in a dream, tries to "produce" this trust more and more. And place the other on a divine pedestal. Now, by divinizing a being that is not divine, there will never be a true encounter, and even less the reparation of the damage suffered in childhood. Moving away from himself, he looks outside for what is available in his intimacy with himself: true trust and true love. Ultimately, it is an attempt to reconnect with the Being, but sought in another where he supposes his salvation should be. “In childhood I experienced the precariousness of life (illnesses, abandonment and invasion) and the lack of love and protection. And I discovered in my recollection a way to protect myself, and in my fantasy, a way of living and waiting for that love, idealized.” – Alexandre V. Throughout his life, the sexual E5 will wait for someone who fills him with absolute love and utopian trust. This might even occur with a spiritual teacher. Even the divine is contaminated by this idealization. “Today, the wait for romantic love is no longer the main focus of my life. I dare say I was able to integrate this into myself. What I am looking for now is a greater intimacy and trust with God and really knowing who I am. But I must admit that the expectation, "the taste and feeling I imagine I will have in this meeting (with God), remains the same as before, when he devoted himself to the search for the eternal in a woman.” – Alexandre V. In addition to exempting from fear, Trust therefore divinizes the couple, operating as a mask that transforms the other into someone from another world. Now, as a mask, it prevents the true contact and knowledge of the other. It is about the limit of the schizoid defense in the sexual E5. The desire to entrust your being 100% to the other brings up the fear of losing yourself. With the result of a constant internal conflict imbued by the feeling of guilt: The E5 sexual knows, albeit unconsciously, that this state of trust is impermanent and illusory and that the trust he seeks in the other where he has to find it is in himself. In addition, this apparent total surrender, as well as the illusion of an immeasurable love, is fragile, since the person knows that he is not as trustworthy as his own ideal of trust demands, and that his supposed love does not have the scope of his fantasy either. Take as an example the story of Chopin and George Sand. The pianist, Cinco sexual, demanded Sand's absolute love, but his heart was already Delfina Potocka's. This superficial intimacy, impregnated with fear and distrust, reveals a contact without real interaction. We find a contradiction here: In this "having someone for him" drama, to what extent of intimacy does the sexual want? Moreover, to what extent do you want a relationship? Since its two fundamental aspects - trust and intimacy - are revealed as tyranny and hell in the interaction of the sexual. The need for trust and its consequent intimacy -motivation and primary meaning in the life of the sexual Five- are revealed precisely as their great deficiency, and even their great lie: the flight from true intimacy and an authentic encounter. Given the sense of discontinuity in life and the internal fragmentation and compartmentalization of Greed, we can understand this demand for intimacy as the sexual E5's attempt to reconnect its isolated inner parts. The function of the sexual instinct is to unite, to reconnect. And through the exacerbated intimacy promoted by greed, a certain illusion of symbiosis emerges. The fact of intimately penetrating and being penetrated by the other-being united gives the sensation of union of the parts themselves disconnected from each other, starting with the body itself. At the same time, it is an attempt at detachment, at getting out of oneself. But then the attachment to the idealized other begins, this other frightens him, and it starts all over again, in a vicious circle. “My life is placed in the hands of those with whom I establish a strong emotional bond. It is with them that I can perceive something of myself with more clarity and less fragmentation and get out of the false images that I fantasize about reality. But I get lost in this and the other person has no way of giving me as much access and I, at a certain point, can't be as intimate with them either. Trust is like a sieve: a lot of intimacy and suddenly nothing. The confidence balance is always zero, there is always a deficit. Then your life goes on with zero confidence. And in another meeting, again you can feel intimacy again; and then zero again.” — Anonymity. The neurosis of trust sustains the illusion of paradise (substitute for being). It also provides the illusion of a fusion with that absolute and unconditional love. But it is a form of blindness. And, furthermore, it is mistrust. It is infidelity to himself, lack of intimacy with himself, not finding the source of love within himself. The sexual E5 does not trust that love is available (because of his greed, that he has little) and transforms the other into the source of love, through Intimacy (a distorted Eros). Ultimately, it is an attempt to return to the path of his deepest being, which is the space of sacred intimacy that the sexual E5 seeks so much; unfortunately, not in himself, but with the other, in an insane way. The great mistake of the sexual E5 is to promote confidence as a substitute for superior feeling (the one that leads to the depths, to deep intimacy with one's own being and, ultimately, with the sacred). The misunderstanding is aggravated by demanding this sacredness from the person in whom he placed this trust. The story that follows gives us a notion of these deviations and mistakes made when trying to find the path to being. It is a childhood testimony, after a numinous experience in the forest: I had one of those life-changing experiences—an experience with the numinous, as Carl Jung would say—that some children tend to have. I was ten years old and not a particularly happy man. Since I was little, I felt a slight almost perennial sadness, and I was totally disconnected from the world around me. We were in the mountains, accompanied by other families. I joined the boys to play cowboys and Indians, and they chose me as an Indian. As I ran and hid, I felt deeply connected with the trees, with the river, with the leaves on the ground, in short, with nature. I was filled with immense joy and the certainty of being part of everything that surrounded me. It was a vague sense of power and security, of "coming home" and resting in peace. The colors seemed more vivid and I perceived a greater luminosity in the forest. I ran through the trees and dove into the river. I lost track of time and forgot about the game. I spent a few days in ecstasy. I was euphoric, ecstatic without having a apparent reason, in love with not a person. Shortly after, I was assailed by existential helplessness; I felt a lot of loneliness, even accompanied, and a feeling of being suspended in a desert limbo. As if I were condemned to live this helplessness forever, as if life were that and there was no way out. And so was the rest of my childhood and adolescence. The cure for that suffering came when I fell in love for the first time. I felt that loving and being loved without restrictions brought me back to the mystical experience of childhood, so that I made being in love divine; and divinize that woman. It was what sustained me. It strengthened me and gave me confidence to face life, with my sad depression and family crises. Being in love protected me. At the age of sixteen I lived through the climax of my life’s script: at the height of my emotional chaos, an overwhelming infatuation invaded me for two decades, unrequited. In fact, not being reciprocated has been the script of my life. “Being in love and cultivating admiration for that girl supported and strengthened me in all the other aspects of my life, in the fantasy of being loved and saved. This platonic love oscillated at times between the sadness of not being loved by her and the almost idyllic state of feeling it so strongly. My life practically boiled down to that (everything else was unimportant). I became a seeker to seek relief and meaning from the pain that was consuming me.” – Alexandre V. 3. Interpersonal strategies & associated irrational ideas Isolation is the fixation (distorted cognitive core) of all E5’s. But what vision of the world does the sexual miser construct? What defense mechanisms does it develop? And what are the irrational ideas associated with such a fixation? Isolation is the incorrect cognitive program for which the five believes that it is better not to enter into a relationship with himself or with the other or with the world, while convincing himself that independence is the condition that allows him to live. Better loneliness than losing energy and what little you have. For the person of this character, entering into a relationship is always losing, emotionally and materially, because the world always asks for something and he, who already has little, would be left with nothing, without life. In childhood he had the experience of being invaded and manipulated and has become convinced that love is just wear and tear. This belief is associated with a mistrust in relationships. The E5 seeks a neurotic peace that is not true peace but an emotional anesthesia, a cold indifference. In the sexual subtype, the neurotic passion to trust reveals, deep down, a great need for love and a great distrust, because in order to trust he idealizes the love encounter so much that he never trusts it. With this, he develops a rigid conviction that there is no love for him. Internal defense strategies Four defense mechanisms stand out in Greed: emotional isolation, psychic compartmentalization, primitive idealization, and the pathological detachment resulting from the first three. We will present each one of them, as well as the form they take when they affect the sexual instinct. Emotional isolation is to separate between the emotional experience and that of the intellect, which is given total primacy to the detriment of affectivity. In any situation where an intense emotional content could emerge, the defense of intellectualization will come up: symbolically living the experiences fleeing from feeling, which is replaced by fantasizing. The defense of isolation was the emergency solution to the scarcity of the mother figure. The child, in order not to feel the pain of this lack of a mother, tries to forget the emotional warmth and pleasure derived from maternal proximity and care. This forgetfulness, together, in many cases, with a distant relationship with the father, leads him to distance himself from his own needs. The emotional relationship with the other occurs, most of the time, in an internalized and symbolic way. It is almost always a purely cognitive experience, fantasies, mainly. Physical distancing is just a consequence of emotional isolation. Psychic compartmentalization is dividing psychic life into compartments separated from each other by thick walls. Opposite contents thus coexist in consciousness without the person being aware of their contradictions. One of the effects of this defense is the inability to deal with more than one problem at a time. Other people have the capability to simultaneously complete multiple projects simultaneously. This can be seen in the vital restriction that the sexual E5 imposes on itself, either due to exaggerated dedication to a project (or partner), or due to abandonment of it and, above all, due to the difficulty in finding an overall, integrated and balanced, in his relationship with the world, with the other or with himself. Let us now consider the third defense mechanism: primitive idealization. While the conservation subtype looks for an uncontaminated and idealized place (the cave), and the social one, a "quintessence" of meaning (the totem), the sexual one looks for the perfect woman or man for a perfect relationship too - or a perfect teacher. on their spiritual path, as well as a harmonious and nurturing relationship with nature-, in terms of maternal affective experience. In all cases, seek an absolute, perfect and unlimited experience with profane, imperfect and limited objects; something unattainable. He looks for, in his "idealized" characteristics, opposite to those he knew in his childhood with the parental figures. Or something positive that you experienced but felt was insufficient. For example, if he had a mother who was both invasive and abandoned, who constantly made him perceive life and relationships as precarious and dangerous, now he will look for a woman who, at the same time, is his lover and fairy godmother, a Virgin who understand it and nurture it deeply. And if he had a distant father, who did not give him confidence in his abilities, he will now look for a perfect and infallible guide, who knows how to instill in him all the self-love that dad did not know how to give him. Of course, he will never meet that person because idealization is associated with narcissism: the idealized loved object is nothing more than a reflection of himself; and in this way he will end up confirming his loneliness and his relational distance. Like emotional isolation, the search for the perfect partner remains at the level of pure fantasy, with some affective experiences but chaotic, isolated, without integration with the intellect. Given his psychic fragmentation, the sexual E5 will concentrate so much on the search for an absolutely restorative relationship with others: only the idealized partner has value for him. Interpersonal strategies Let's look at the three ways the sexual E5 attracts, maintains, and ends relationships. The mother of all strategies; concealment There is one strategy that, so to speak, stands behind all the others that the Sexual E5 employs to seek relationships, to maintain them, to sabotage them: Virtually no strategy is explicit, it rarely goes directly after its desires, expressing itself openly. In general, their strategies are hidden, waiting for the other to come to meet them. “This is how I related to the boys, carefully choosing the one I considered the most perfect among all of them. But I never came close to expressing my feelings. He cultivated relationship after relationship, made up of furtive glances and some visual exchange. He let them take the initiative. She knew how to wait in the wings while he performed.” – Maria Luisa F. “I am more active than I seem: I manipulate the other so that he comes to meet me. There is a seduction that approaches the other without it seeming.” – Maria G. This strategy reveals irrational ideas, which arise from the scarcity of affection, internal resources to deal with the concrete other. This lack gives rise to undervaluation and the typical arrogance, in contrast, the fear of abandonment and betrayal, and their feeling of not having rights in this life. The strange strategy of E5 sexual, a mixture of distancing and counterphobia, fits into the phrase «being together without being together». With his strong desire for contact and standing out, this character demands trust and (neurotic) intimacy with his chosen one. Now, emotional distance is his way of safeguarding internal balance, and this involves physical distance. In this dichotomy of distance versus close contact, the crazy idea is: "It's safer to be alone, even though I can't be alone.". “It was a strategy that I developed very early in life, as a way of not being as attacked by my mother's yelling and outbursts, as well as my brother's invasions. of all in my adolescence I thought that this distance was something positive, wise. So, I adopted this attitude as an ideal of life. Today I realize that I became a mere spectator and that I did not live the life of relationships that I so dreamed of.” – Alexandre V. “There is, of course, the fear of losing the other when the relationship is already established, but also a strong desire not to suffer interference in my way of being and thinking. Sometimes it is simply the desire not to be interrupted while thinking or doing something. In these circumstances, I "leave" my body there, while my head is kept busy with what I wanted to do.” – Maria Luisa F. Such an interpersonal strategy of distancing from the other may sound very paradoxical to the idea of ​​a relationship because, as we saw in chapters 1 and 2, how can there be a relationship when one of the parties wants to be far away due to fear, which generates distance? Even with the strong desire to be close. The sexual E5 cannot relate. How to reconcile that of the sexual instinct? The counterphobic attitude of totally opening up to another when he thinks he has found the one who is supposed to fill him, is the way out found by the sexual miser. This character stays close and afraid, a fear that does not per not receives a lot, which results in anxiety and unconscious internal conflicts. As a result of the contradictory being together without being together, it combines aggressive anti-invasion and anti-abandonment protection with its need for togetherness. The sexual E5 does not find a balance between surrender and protection. It remains, either in the total darkness of distancing or in the blindness promoted by the "luminous" excess of surrender. Strategies to attract; acceptance and belonging The marketing of arrogance He brings the other closer with the marketing of arrogance, a subtle form of seduction that intimidates the other when he tries to get closer until, at the slightest sign of opening on the part of the sexual E5, he falls into his clutches. Often the relationship will remain in these terms of dominator / dominated. “There were several people who, after beginning some type of relationship, told me about the fear they felt when they approached me. I, in fact, also wanted to get closer, but I felt that it must be difficult to access. It was, deep down, fear of expressing my desire to be with someone and being rejected. I can't bear to feel vulnerable.” – Alexandre V. The mask of the sage Another strategy to attract is the mask of the sage, of the philosopher who, thanks to his superior virtues, has achieved such a balance that he is not disturbed by human affairs like ordinary people. In other words, he uses his neurotic trait of detachment by implying that he is the balanced fruit of spiritual labor. It hides that it is a defensive facade with which it camouflages its clumsiness and social insufficiency. He passes off his pathological dispassion (made of coldness and indifference to the need of the other) for a healthy one, with an imperceptible fear of being exposed from one moment to another, like an impostor. The associated irrational idea is: «If they saw me as I really am, in my human normality, they would reject me», or even: «If I showed my emotions, they would make fun of me». “When I started teaching yoga, it was clear to me that I was selling the “guru” image. My students saw me as a very determined person, they admired me for the serenity that emanated, for my calm... They would never have suspected that I was tormented, dissatisfied, insecure, and that I knew much less than what I let on. Because of this discrepancy between the image, he was presenting and my inner experience, I knew he was a liar and felt very guilty about it. That was how, for fear of being discovered, I became more and more hardened in my role as a sage, increasing the distance between them and I.” – Piero A. The rebellion The sexual E5 is often presented as a rebel, also to attract. A reserved rebel, without fuss; it hardly comes out in its being outside the socially established. An anchored rebellion results in a critical, aggressive isolation that betrays great mistrust. He feels different from the others, sometimes superior, sometimes inferior, and follows the strategy of living on the periphery. Examples of this are Rousseau and Nietzsche, ra, and they preferred an isolated life, and yet they demanded relationships that both they criticized society and culture intensely and attracted precisely because of their rebellious ideas and attitudes. “Beyond my shyness and the lack of financial resources to be able to dress up and go out with the boys at my school, whom, moreover, in many ways I couldn't stand, I discovered that, being the opposite of them, certain people, few sought contacts with me. Even so, I did not stop feeling inferior to those people I criticized and I tried to hide this feeling from myself, showing myself different, as superior. Ci in There is rebellion against social conventions and "formal" behaviors. Experienced only internally (and rarely externalized), it has a triple function: It protects me from the feeling of "constriction and invasion" that I experience when I am forced to follow behaviors that I have not approved of and whose meaning I do not understand; it allows me to feel superior and judge the uncritical ways of the "herd of sheep"; and I distinguish myself through this “different” behavior.” – Michele C. The irrational ideas associated with these relationship dynamics are: "Others do not understand me", "I am special", "it is better not to speak because they will not understand me either" and "they are not up to my standards.” Intellectual or artistic seduction There could not be without a strategy of intellectual or artistic seduction. He is sexual, very mental and with a somewhat chaotic emotional life, he harbors the strong belief that, through his knowledge, with which he tries to organize his world, he will attract the other, who will thus be able to love and admire him. It is common for people of this subtype to do something artistic. They also act motivated by the irrational idea that "I can only be loved if I do something special." If you have any kind of charm. We find here one of the most ingrained crazy ideas in his psyche: confusing love with enchantment. Dynamics very similar to that of the sexual E7, with the difference that this one invests a lot of energy to convince how special it is, while the five idealizes that other that one day will discover him as a special being; meanwhile he saves his energy and is paralyzed. “When I was twenty-four years old my first girlfriend left me, I ran away to India because of the pain, and I spent months there writing poems. In my naive grandiosity, I narcissistically fantasized about becoming a famous "cursed poet" and that she, by reading and admiring me, would eventually come back to me. My "art" was just a tool of seduction designed to win back my beloved.” – Michele C. “I ended up realizing my rebellion through art as well: it is very easy for me to make art when I am free to create on my own, but if there is a commission, a deadline, a client, everything becomes impossible, too much effort. I can't focus on the other's desire. It becomes a "must" and I don't do it anymore.” – Mara G. Seduction with force Another way to attract is to show yourself strong and without needs. The sexual E5 plays the role of listener, psychologist, who can support and sustain. It is the intimate friend to whom you reveal your deepest secrets. However, he does not trust; the associated crazy idea is: "If I am fragile and needy, no one will be able to hold me." In fact, he has never experienced being listened to and understood emotionally and mentally, and therefore does not "know" that this is possible. But because he is driven by a desire for intimacy, he is ready to listen and offer his support. His psychological autonomy, therefore, he uses seductively. In this way he gains admiration while maintaining detachment from his true need for power. go to become emotionally emotional, and that it does not allow itself to. “They have always considered me the best friend, the confidant to whom they reveal the most intimate secrets. I learned this role of the good listener very early, with my mother, who always praised my sensitivity and said that I was the only one capable of understanding her. But she didn't listen to me, so I never learned what it means to be able to open up and feel understood.” – Piero A. Another irrational belief is so ingrained in her that it is invisible to her: If I show my fragility, I will break. The sexual E5, not having received adequate maternal affective support, is dominated by the anguish of fragmentation. His decision was not to feel the emotions, because there was no one on the other side to pick them up. He doesn't feel them and he doesn't show them. Strategies to maintain relationships The relational structure of the sexual E5 is based on the «lack», the «scarcity» and the desire to satisfy his lacks, to let himself fall into the arms of the other from the need for something that he does not have, which reflects and reinforces their feeling of inferiority. Meanwhile, he will try to compensate for his lacking self-image with some inflationary artifice of his ego, which will sometimes result in competition with the other and, as always, in a covert way. Usually, it seeks to demonstrate a superiority of knowledge or a certain quality of being emotionally untouchable, of invulnerability. This strategy is a way of gaining power in relationships, reaching out to your select group of friends, your idealized partner, and even professional relationships, again in quiet arrogance. There is a halo of resentment, an irrational idea that "needing the other is a form of humiliation." And another, even crazier: «By competing and trying to show that I am superior, I will overcome my lack and the fear of abandonment»; a defensive counterphobia against his invalidating feeling of inferiority. “I felt emotionally dependent, I had no professional success, I lived in an existential morass; until one day, in a marital crisis, my wife expressed that she was trying to be the best she could and that she always felt diminished by my side. That was my lie and my protection, because "you are so evolved." That was my lie and my protection.” – Alexandre V. “I remember an argument with my husband -banal-, and I began to distance myself and think: "What am I doing?" And I just shut up. He looked at me and said, "Aren't you going to defend your point of view?" And I replied, arrogantly: “No! I know I'm right!" – Maria G. The sexual E5 seeks to flee from conflicts, an exact need for harmony, since he does not have the strength to confront and it is difficult for him to contact his aggressiveness, which he imagines destructive. The confrontational presence of the other takes him out of his axis, destabilizes him and makes him give up on himself and let himself be carried away by circumstances. He prefers to give up his needs and desires, due to the irrational belief that «if I confront, I will be abandoned», which makes explicit the crazy idea «I have no right to demand». Inevitably, the flight from conflict leads to a strategy of adaptability. By not confronting, he gives too much room to the needs of the other, pretending to show true dedication, when this is not the case. “Upon my father's death, I had a violent dispute with my sister. For two months we didn't speak to each other, and he even threatened not to come to my wedding. Even though I was right and she was wrong, I still felt guilty. In the end I was the one who looked for her for fear of losing her. In conflicts I do not recognize the right to demand or ask: I always justify the other, because I imagine that their needs are more important than mine.” – Michele C. “The avoidance of conflicts does not occur when I consider that I am justly respecting some fundamental rights that concern me and that affect my dignity or freedom. And the conflict is then presented as an intellectual or cunning challenge, not as a direct confrontation based on the ability to impose myself as a person” – Piero A. This neurotic adaptability coexists with the irrational belief that "it is better to withdraw than to try to adapt," behind which lies yet another crazy idea: "The other does not matter so much, with his needs." Of course, their own are not so important either, because the need that governs is that neurotic, of trust and intimacy, that "taking possession of the other's soul." From there he can abdicate the rest of his needs and adapt, which comes to exempting him from responsibility for his own life. Provided, of course, that other comes with few demands. And this is how his existential condition is perpetuated: being next to another but creating his own loneliness. “I always considered it taboo to be selfish and unavailable. Very often I said "yes" when I really wanted to say "no", agreeing to do things for the other that I did not want. I was unable to refuse. As a result, I felt trapped in the relationship. The only possibility was to get away and keep my distance, out of reach of their requests.” – Piero A. This submission is only apparent since, in a conflict, the sexual Five remains hidden, silently judging and quietly belittling the other, to compensate for their excessive adaptability. The sexual Five cannot admit contradictory feelings and attitudes within the relationship. He does not understand, for example, that there can be love and aggression in the same person, since his own aggressiveness remains repressed and unconscious. Here is another reflection of the psychic split: it is not capable of integrating aspects opposites of the other, nor does he perceive his own and, above all, he does not know how to deal with the emotional. A sexual E5 may coexist, inconsistently, with "cold" and "rationalizing" attitudes, but when it comes to emotions, he loses his balance. And, as always, remains silent. This unconscious aggressiveness ultimately becomes a critical attitude and judgment, turning the sexual E5 into someone predisposed to resentment, who cannot let go and let events pass. The cowardice of not confronting denotes the idea of ​​having few rights in life, but there is an even greater cowardice, by not giving the other the opportunity to defend himself, explain himself or redeem himself, making it difficult for an agreement and a mature relationship between the parties. Acting this way, in an attempt to maintain the relationship, is the beginning of your sabotage. “With some important friends in my life that I argued with, I just listened to their arguments and then left. As simple as that: walk away, without mentioning the subject anymore and not looking for them again. Two of them I never saw again. It was a strong disappointment, a disenchantment that depressed me for several days. Afterwards, the person was definitely eliminated.” – Mara G. “Instead of honestly expressing my disagreement, I hold back. In this way, I accumulate so many “unsaid” things that in the end it becomes impossible to get them out: I am too full of resentment and I am afraid that I will not be able to control my anger. To a certain extent I renounce the relationship, I kill the other in silence without him noticing anything.” – Michele C. Strategies that sabotage relationships It is easy to see that a sexual E5 is seeking a self-enclosed relationship. And once conquered, it also makes it difficult for a pact of alliance (implicit, of course) of trust and intimacy, as well as demand and infallibility (on the part of the other, of course). <> If the pact of trust is broken, the sexual E5 is isolated and destroys the relationship. “When my partner shows that he is not my ideal of perfection, after a period of blind dependence I begin to lose interest: I am losing love. I implicitly have a fantasy that "if she's not perfect, she's not right for me." If she falls off the divine pedestal that I myself created to place her on, then I tend to cut her off from my feelings and admiration.” – Alexandre V. With this mechanism of demand and annihilation, the sexual E5 closes the way to a more human form of love. Since this experience was lacking in his life, he idealizes it. And this is how the opportunity to experience something more real is lost. This implicit pact where he demands perfection, with the consequent failure of the other to meet such expectations, leads the sexual E5 to the solution of lack of love. This strategy to avoid the pain of being hurt, betrayed, or abandoned is an attitude of withdrawal. With revenge for the disappointment of frustrated expectations and the crazy idea of: «You don't deserve my unconditional love; you didn't buy it with your effort. And since he didn't earn it, I shouldn't give it to him for free." “It is extremely difficult to accept the other as he is: his moods, inconsistencies and, above all, the fact that he does not live only for me. I am very slow to trust the other, but very quick to eliminate trust. In the relationship with the Master (and with the therapist) I do not let myself be guided. As soon as I get too confident, I'm ready to find flaws that devalue him, that in my defensive idealization he must be "perfect," above all strong and directive, qualities my father didn't have. I withdraw my admiration, devalue it and walk away. This satisfies my neurotic need to maintain a safe distance.” – Piero A. Another way, finally, in which the E5 sabotages the relationship is through an excess of transparency. He confesses everything about himself, even the negative behaviors that could play against him the most. He behaves like a child with an absolutely good mother who is allowed to tell him everything, because in her infinite expectation she will always forgive him and accept him unconditionally. So, in the couple relationship, the sexual man reveals his betrayals and infidelities, or even simply his intention to be unfaithful to go with other women, or also his fears and doubts related to not loving the partner (absolutely, as he would like). Now, this excess of truth is, in reality, a false transparency, a misunderstanding of what true transparency would be or a healthy intimacy between adults, where there are borders and limits that must be respected. Such excess of transparency is an ambivalent behavior because, by exposing himself so much, what the sexual E5 does is challenge and test the couple. She's asking him to stay no matter what: “Even if I'm not sure I love you completely, you love me just the same, right? You'll stay with me, won't you? And, at the same time, he encourages him to leave it: I have told you everything and I have a clear conscience. If you leave me, it's your decision, not mine." He will thus have the perfect excuse to be alone again, again in search of an ideal and unattainable love. In any case, keep an emotional distance. The E5 sexual, in fact, by telling everything to the other he apparently gives himself up but in reality, he escapes, hides and takes responsibility, avoids choosing and taking a position. The crazy idea is that full transparency can spare you the triple responsibility of feeling what you feel, trusting what you want, and deciding. 4. Other characteristic traits and psychodynamic considerations Fragile body in a nonconformist spirit With sexual children, it is common to hear stories of a first childhood of suffering, not only due to the emotional impact of the parents but also due to physical fragility. One person recounts that at the age of ten months he suffered from a severe allergy, which almost led to his death, due to spoiled powdered milk. Breast milk had been withdrawn at three months, and there was inaugurated little physical contact and a life marked by illness. These reports of early loss of contact with the mother associated with the experience of being very close to death are common. Thinkers of this subtype like Wordsworth and Rousseau lost their mothers when they were still children. And both the French thinker and Chopin had childhoods marked by illness and closeness to death. The Polish musician and his sister were taken, as children, by a very strong flu, which resulted in her death. From then on, for Chopin, it was as if death was always at his side. In the same proportion as this physical fragility, there is an intense desire for power: the sexual E5 does not accept his fragile condition. In need of harmony, to flee to nature Since contact with the other destabilizes the sexual E5, an inhospitable environment can be lethal. The person of this character, due to his fear of being swallowed, needs the contact to translate into a harmonious environment. The aforementioned Chopin from an early age isolated himself to play the piano and, in the end, as there was harmony in George Sand's house, he enjoyed a happy and productive life. Sand was more of a mother to Chopin than a lover, and she hardly demanded of him. The sexual E5 finds much of this harmony in contact with nature, his divine muse, with whom, yes, he maintains a unilateral relationship, favored by the silence of his inspirer. He will also seek a refuge in nature to organize his inner chaos. Nature becomes the idealized 'woman' or 'man', where she believes she will find answers to her questions. “This was how I managed to forget the chaos of my family life and "empty" some of the passion I felt for a girl.” – Alexandre V. Arid and at the same time hypersensitive Given its retention, when a sexual E5 tries to express himself authentically, what he finds is very dry. Alongside the disconnection of feeling, there is the idea that to feel is to explode, to lose oneself, perhaps even to die. And at the same time, it presents a hypersensitivity that does not coincide with its arid and distant appearance, a by-product of the low vitality of the body and spirit. “If I am very open to what is happening around me, I suffer a lot. I spare myself that sensitivity with a neck split that separates my emotions from thought.” – Mara G. In fact, such a low threshold for physical and emotional pain is the backdrop for an almost deserted posture of feeling. The sexual Five prefers not to enter a field that can evoke their most primal pains. And this is how aridity and hypersensitivity feed off each other. It is as if there was an extreme pain somewhere in himself that, if revived, he could not bear and would pay with his life. Easily destabilized The feeling that his resources are so scarce leads him to succumb to the other. Anyone who appears in his way tactfully makes him lose with his own desires. The other destabilizes the sexual E5. ”I lose myself in front of the other. I withdraw from my internal axis; I find myself facing external demands that exhaust me and I feel the need to isolate myself to recharge my batteries. It is my need for solitude.” – Mara G. The person of this character was so invaded in his childhood that even today he lives with the feeling of that exposure -and the weakness to defend himself- and stays in the rear so that they do not invade him too much in a phagocytizing contact. Nostalgic Nostalgia has tied the sexual E5, stagnant by an excessive attachment to the past that prevents him from assuming responsibility for his life and moving forward. He lives in the nostalgia of enlightened times that no longer exist, and perhaps did not even exist, full of idealizations. He finds no joy in living, no lightness in being sexual, no brilliance. He doesn't indulge in playfulness; he doesn't play and he doesn't value little things (because they don't belong to the divine sphere). “Nostalgia, eternal nostalgia that always consumed me," he said Chopin, who had lived in Paris from a very young age, but people from Poland were always the source of his images and pen feelings. "Twilight": that's what they called the states of mood of the composer. Helpless Existential helplessness is present from childhood. “Sometimes I was playing and suddenly the world disappeared under my feet. I lost ground. It was sudden and brief but I felt extremely lonely.” – Alexandre V. “Helplessness seems so common to me that I feel as if it were the covers me It's like having no skin.” – Mara G. Does not assert its place in the world One of the consequences of his psychic split is the neglect of the social and professional dimensions, where he is doomed to a routine and simple life. The desire for external freedom, a reflection of the lack of internal freedom, cannot be satisfied and is then transformed into the opposite features of systematicity and rigidity, similar to those of the E1. He has succumbed to the neurosis of financial security and the comfort of an institution, while remaining with a boiling heart and excessive fantasy as compensation for a routinely life, as well as a desire to always go somewhere else. Until the age of forty-six, ten years before he died, Nietzsche worked hard in solitude and anonymity. He pressed himself cruelly because he could no longer bear his lack of recognition. Just like Rousseau, at thirty-eight still a "nobody," as he was called. Inside there was an indomitable spirit, but he had not been able to affirm his place in the world. “At the moments when I realize how much I closed my life off from friendships and from my work, which is the reality from which I was fleeing, through refuge and fantasy. In the end, I ended up doing little concretely, and when I look back a "feeling of urgency" comes over me. It's like looking back and seeing a gap between what I'm being right now and what I've been in my life, with a lack of "continuity." I realize that I lived in a kind of “forgetfulness” of myself and that now that this is the case I have to run. And again, there is a very strong call to enter the world of fantasy and inactivity, as if everything was already lost.” – Alexandre V. Worthless An outstanding trait of Greed is not feeling worthy, due to a lack of vitality to face challenges. This, in the sexual instinct, coexists with excessive and grandiose fantasy. The result: unrealistic and unfinished projects. The E5 sexual easily renounces his life projects. «I rarely completed what I set out to do», «I never delved into anything I did». An abyss of oblivion opens between planning and acting: a great gap between fantasy and action. In his thinking, he manages to maintain a level of motivation that, when heading towards the sphere of action, is lost. A great distance is perceived between what he wanted and what, for the moment, he is ready to carry out. It is another result of psychic and bodily splitting and fragmentation. Undisciplined Here is another trait that contributes to this state of inaction. From thought to action, motivation and determination disappear and thus a disciplined life is difficult. An indiscipline that is also the result of forgetfulness and de-vitalization. Operates here, the irrational idea of ​​not being able to complete a stage of your life and move on, because "completion" means letting go and opening up to the new. To which is added that internal mechanism that prevents him from seeing any of his rights (minimizing his desires), in addition to a perfectionism that makes him believe that he is never ready. Deep down, the sexual E5 feels like a son who is not allowed to separate from his mother, which reveals his false autonomy. Vengeful; not doing what is expected The psychodynamics of withdrawal include a subtle but effective act of rebellion. Sometimes it is an act of revenge against the demands of that internalized, hypercritical and severe mother, with her perennial: "You don't finish anything you start!". The result of this conflict between internal demands and the rebellion of not doing is guilt and failure. Guilty feeling Feeling guilty for a sexual E5 is closely linked to the awareness that their isolation is a form of revenge, of aggression. Guilt leads him, therefore, to resign himself. “Perhaps my most frequent feeling of guilt is about not having energy. I blame myself for it and that takes away my energy to act, it's a vicious circle. I realize that guilt is a way of maintaining the feeling of victimization, of keeping myself small.” – Maria Luisa F. A childhood full of demands and messages of undervaluation, and of feeling undeserving, is common: “Everything my mother gave me came with guilt. When she gave me a toy or clothes, she would say, "I stopped giving it to myself to give it to you!" These messages corroborated the feeling of poverty, scarcity and, above all, that of not being worthy of something positive in life. I perceive any change in my partner's mood as if it were against me, because of me. So, I react like a child or a teenager: I shut myself in and isolate myself, and I feel even more guilty about that estrangement.” – Alexandre V. Selfish and self-centered By idealizing the partner, or the one with whom he has an affective relationship, the sexual E5 does not see him as a different person from him, with his own emotions and needs. You need a partner who shows extreme loyalty to your way of life (the idealization of trust). The other is someone who has to conform to him totally so that he can feel that there is love. And, above all, be always available, even guessing what you want; in the end, a mirror that reflects your image. The very organization of the activities or of the time will have to be in accordance with its rhythm; Only then will the other be a true reliable ally. Arrogant He can deny the defensiveness of isolation, convincing himself that his is a special world, that he himself is special and therefore cannot be in relationship with "ordinary" beings. It is about his difficulty behind that image of superiority or unattainable person. And he closes himself in his world of ideas, convinced that he understands something subtle that others do not have the ability to perceive. In the confrontation with the other, he tends to present his ideas as unquestionable, and feels entitled to correct others. Seductiveness This sexual subtype conquers with an erotic seduction without a display of feathers or a sexually attractive image according to this passion; rather, he gets closer in an intimate way, sending messages of interest and with the physical closeness of a contact that can even be delicate. Obviously, he can use mental attunement or interest in the intellectual but, in any case, among the E5 subtypes he is the most sensually daring. Your search for the ideal partner can make you compulsively seduce different people at the same time. He is very adept at not taking a clear initiative; Rather, he weaves a web into which the other person falls. This strategy avoids direct rejection and hides his relational awkwardness; Above all, this way he controls his fear of intimacy and the instinctive impulse. Acting from the compartmentalization, maintaining different relationships at the same time, finally allows him not to enter into emotional chaos or the guilt of the betrayal. Many sexual E5 admit to being unfaithful with a certain “easiness”, just as they withdraw or disappear if the relationship no longer pleases them or it creates problems for them. Romantic The sexual E5 is the most emotional of the E5. Romanticism is the way in which he allows himself to be carried away by emotions. More than in the couple relationship, although also, romanticism emerges in contact with music, art or nature. It's easier when listening to music to feel your heartbeat or surrender to abandonment, something. that would be experienced as very dangerous in the human relationship. 5. Emotionality and fantasy The sexual E5 is, above all, a dreamer. Fantasy is the attribute that characterizes him; in all the moments of his life, happy or sad. It is what brings him closer to reality, in the sense of preparing him for it. This preparation is the entrance door to the real but, above the preparation leads into the exit door; an escape. Fantasies, in a way, are what decide your destiny, your attitudes, defenses and even your emotions. Because emotion and fantasies go hand in hand: the former sometimes awakens and other times inhibits the appearance of the latter. As a good miser, the sexual Five has a hard time dealing with his emotions and needs fantasy as a cope. “I remember exactly the day I discovered the role of fantasy. It was a Sunday afternoon; he couldn't have been more than ten years old. I was afraid to go into the house because my father was drunk. He was also bored, with nothing to do. It was then that I realized what I did-dream-freed me from fear and monotony and even brought me some joy and comfort.” – Alexandre V. As we have been emphasizing, in this sexual subtype there is a paradox between abstinence and the need for emotional expression. He also constantly alternates between fantasizing and trying to feel, something that is so difficult for him that he develops the ability to create artificial states of emotions, thus keeping them at a bearable level. And when he realizes that he is barely alive, he plans the unattainable: that absolute love. Which is therefore a new fantasy, as a homeostatic regulator of the psyche, which serves both to warm a cold emotional life and to cool emotional chaos, the result of physical distancing and the tyranny of the intellect. And of all the fantasies, the ones with the greatest energy charge will be the romantic ones. Thus, the fantasy that emotional intensity would allow a significant experience with the other stands out. Here he confuses the free flow of the affective with excitability. Closed in on himself, he needs arousal to feel. Since his body is stiff, he needs something to wake him up. Eros, not having a feeling to fixate on, tries to produce something similar to emotion: he gets randomly excited, like a dynamo that produces energy but has nothing to connect with. “When there is some joy, it soon ends and the depression returns. With anger it is different: I have the impression that it is so strong that I will explode if I go into it; I am afraid of rage.” – Alexandre V. “It is as if the exaggerated emotionality fueled the fantasy and the fantasy made the emotions even more intense. When the emotions come out, they become totally chaotic.” – Mara G. There is a confusion between joy and euphoria (excitability); as if an excessive emotional state aroused true satisfaction. Excitability is the polar opposite of vital minimization. The person is not connected with his inner joy, he is not playful and he is not interested in the simple joys of life. It is difficult for him to connect with the joy of the body. His is linked to being loved by someone chosen. And as for "negative" emotions, the sexual E5 sees them as destroying him. There is, even deeper and unconsciously, the fantasy that the unattainable is what will nurture you. This is the basic assumption, the one that dictates the plot of the search and illusions of the sexual E5. Let's move on to how this character deals with his specific emotions. To begin with, it withdraws emotional expression to camouflage the fear of abandonment and rejection (which, for a sexual E5, points to the fear of death); withdrawal that leads him to experience his emotions platonically. And a "shame of affect and disbelief in spontaneity" reveals that he does not believe in his own feelings. “When I manage to expose the things I feel, especially a manifestation of tenderness or affection, I realize that it is very different from what I imagined. Things seem to be so much more beautiful and alive here, inside of me. I oscillate between the arrogance of not being vulnerable and the embarrassment when I am surprised by a slightly stronger feeling. I can't access emotions in a balanced way, and when they come, I don't have much control.” – Alexandre V. In his nostalgia, the sexual E5 lives hooked on the past and is emotionally nurtured by memories that are not always exact, even feeling what did not even exist. One of the characteristic dreams is to love and be loved. He manages to feel abundantly loved and loving in fantasy so as not to see its harsh reality: he has loved little and allowed himself to be loved little. Also, when he falls in love, the extremist fantasy is that his love is so intense that nothing could be greater. It is these intensity fantasies that differentiate sexual from the other two subtypes of greed. Tenderness “I can only really express my tenderness with my children. With my partner I expressed affection early in the relationship. Then it passed, even though I thought I still loved her." After showing tenderness for someone, immediately comes the sadness” – Maria Luisa F. Rage My rage is totally suppressed; when it comes out it can be dangerous. I suppress the rage and it turns on me. I express it in the form of a car dry destruction and self-sabotage, aside from vindictive aloofness. There's an uncontrollable monster inside of me, and I can't direct my gaze at it. Pleasure “I have very few memories of what gave me pleasure in childhood. What little fun I had was my fantasies. In adolescence and in adulthood, alcohol disinhibited me and with the guitar I attracted attention. They were moments of intense pleasure followed by a depression the next day. Later came reading, movies and meditation as pleasures, but this time nothing too intense.” – Alexandre V. “With my childhood friends, any children's game amused me, there was no problem with pleasure. But since adolescence, after a love disappointment, I saw life without meaning, without any pleasure. Today my two pleasures are meditating and reading: I feel pleasure alone.” Sadness I flee from sadness and go towards tedium. Tedium Boredom is the most present feeling in the rest of the vital dimensions of a sexual E5. Their disinterest in the world in favor of a restricted relationship, the little energy invested in other circuits of life and, in short, the absence of life in these areas only results in monotony and discontent. Once again, fantasy is the outlet for boredom and aridity. The routine is impregnated with adventure fantasies and ambitious projects. Because remaining in boredom becomes a dangerous experience. “I try to escape immediately when tedium sets in. I feel that it is the «prelude» of my despair. As if it took me to something that I am not in a position to see, to realize the total delirium on which I have built my life, throwing away everything essential and keeping only those crumbs that I feed on.” – Mara G. Fear Fear is the core emotion of all mental characters, and the E5 manages it like the others: splitting the emotional and corporeal experience of consciousness. It remains like a state of anxiety that tries to calm down by producing ideas, emotional coldness and low energy only when he begins to work on himself and to mobilize his instincts and emotions does he come across fear, overwhelming, with the fear of life. “My greatest fear is reaching the end of my life and realizing that I pursued illusions and that now there is no time left.” – Alexandre V. 6. Childhood "With my childhood friends, any children's game amused me, there was no problem with pleasure. But since adolescence, after a love disappointment, I saw life without meaning, without any pleasure. Today my two pleasures are meditating and reading: I feel pleasure alone.” The beginning of life It is a difficult beginning of life, with physical fragility and early suffering. There are high-risk pregnancies with threats of abortion and moments of despair for the mother. The sexual E5 lives up with little motivation to live. ”When I did the timeline on the SAT, I saw myself before I was conceived and I felt that it was a punishment, an imposition to have to come into the world, something that, since before it began to exist, already required a lot of energy.” – Mara G. The lack of motivation is largely caused by this difficult beginning of life. The most common is to find a sexually devitalized E5 already from childhood. ”Firstborn, I was born in Milan, after a rather difficult pregnancy during which my mother had several threats of abortion.” – Piero A. ”I was born with forceps and my parents denied it; They told me it was a normal delivery, with no complications. However, in the Rebirth experiences I always found it difficult to "be born", I felt very weak when it came to "overcoming the barrier". I only recently learned that the forceps were necessary. The fact is that I almost always give up on my projects in the final stretch, and I have a strong phobia of suffocation, mainly emotional.” – Alexandre V. An interviewee remembers that her mother runs away from her husband -the alcoholic and violent-, who she was terrified of, along with three small children, pregnant with her. She tries to commit suicide with Vania, pregnant, and this future sexual E5 will spend several days unconscious. ”I was born very small (just over 1.5 kg); according to my mother, it seemed that I was not going to “defend myself” (survive), that I was not going to succeed. She was in no condition to breastfeed me. He ended up giving me cow's milk, which my body did not accept. I had serious intestinal problems, twice I almost died. They even put a candle in my hand (custom in the interior of Brazil, when someone dies) twice.” The weeks after childbirth therefore also show trauma and suffering: withdrawal of breast milk, diseases caused by carelessness and abandonment of the mother, imminent contact with death. “At three months they cut off my breast milk and I was left in the care of the nannies, fed with powdered milk. At ten months, my caregiver gave me powdered milk in bad do. I had acute dyspepsia and almost died. I spent several days in the hospital, drinking whey and trying new kinds of milk. I discovered it one day receiving an abdominal massage; the masseuse seemed very scattered and negligent, without any contact with me, and there I went back to the way I was cared for in childhood.” – Alexandre V. ”I was born with a dislocated hip. My parents didn't find out until I was a year old. To this experience I attribute my constant feeling of not being ready (like someone who doesn't want to be born yet because they still have a piece to complete) and the certainty of not being seen.” – Mara G. ”I have a bad memory of the 1st and 2nd of Primary. The constant emotion was sadness. In retrospect, I look pale, drawn, and full of fear. I think that being so sickly and delicate was nothing but the consequence of my inner fragility. With a constant feeling of bewilderment, I felt permanently exposed, naked.” – Piero A. If the motivational basis of a sexual E5 is his lack of vitality, the most frequent situations in his childhood include contradictory traumas of abandonment, invasion, feelings of not belonging and inadequacy, poor separation from the mother, disorientation, insecurity, castrated aggressiveness and loss of confidence. Let's see them. Feelings of abandonment and over care (invasion) A great anguish for the sexual E5 arises from the contradictory experience between the extremes of abandonment and invasion. It generates a conflict between wanting an exclusive and closed love versus the desire for isolation. ”My first two memories are scenes with that cast. In the first, I am on the floor with a comic book in my hand, with which I distracted myself; my mother, a few meters from me, standing, perhaps cooking. It was like seeing the person I wanted to be with from afar. I started walking around the age of three. I feel like I'm always learning to walk. Being in a cast, my brother was born. If my contact with my mother had been interrupted by the hospitalization and physical contact, due to the cast, with the birth of my brother, things got worse. My reaction to seeking attention and love was to get sick, I started having bouts of bronchitis.” – Mara G. Intrusive care and disrespectful invasions brought him the feeling of not being seen along with the danger of being crushed. ”My mother is too dramatic and this shaped my inner division. I wanted her attention when I was sick, but her care was unbearable. I remember that I got sick and pills put down my throat, one after another. Also, the use of very *** remedies on my skin. It was torture. Since it was a huge demonstration of her suffering as a jealous mother to have a "sick" daughter, she kept me sick. When I was finally able to escape and go out to run and play, if he hurt me, I kept quiet to avoid his interference. I remember hiding serious things that I experienced so that she wouldn't invade me. When I was finally able to escape and go out to run and play, if someone hurt me, I kept quiet to avoid their interference. I remember hiding serious things that I experienced so that my mother wouldn’t invade me.” – Mara G. ”Nobody noticed that I had little vision, so when I put on glasses, I was already nine years old.” – Michele C. ”I felt as if I needed to hide every single part of myself and restricted myself due to the high expectations of my father. He was very dramatic and invaded my personal space, nitpicking things that riddled my soul and sent me into a hiding place. It wasn’t till I was 14 years old that I let some of myself out, only to face the exact fear I was worried about to begin with.” — Adri P. Phobic. Fear and violence The withholding of emotional expressions and the heightened sense of having few rights in life are due to premature causes. ”I remember the cold in the house where I was born and raised. The fear of the cold, the restlessness of the night, the fear that there was something there that could observe me, judge me. And, feeling guilty, I asked that invisible presence: "Please, don't do anything to me." I did not sleep, crushed in. the bed so that my body would not be seen, losing weight, hidden under the sheets. I peed on the bed.” – Michel T. ”I have no memories of the first years of life. The first (just under three) is my mother beating me up because I didn't turn off the record player (she didn't know how to put the needle arm in place and didn't want to ruin the vinyl). He locked me up in the dark. I huddled in a corner, I cried a little (never again, since then), my head exploded and I felt that something was strangling my throat and preventing me from sounding, in free fall into the void.” – Michele C. Let us see more consequences of the violence and fears suffered prematurely: ”Until I was a year old, I cried a lot. I was reading Alexander Lowen about an old method to make the child stop crying: the child would stay locked in the room all night, alone, two or three nights, crying non-stop. The method was effective because the child stopped crying as a defense mechanism to literally not die. When I read this excerpt, I cried convulsively without knowing the reason. I found out years later that my parents used this method on me. And it worked: I didn't cry again until thirty years later, when I took the SAT.” – Alexandre V. Feeling of not belonging The E5 feels that he does not occupy his body which comes with anguish of not knowing how to position himself. It is a feeling of strangeness, as if it came from another world and the human environment was filled with unknown beings. This experience makes its way into the family, where it was never felt welcomed, not physically either, and the ties were precarious and distant. Although he had an emotional mother, his emotional instability has installed, on the one hand, the fear of emotional chaos and defense in internal withdrawal and, on the other, an anxious dependence to control the fear of abandonment. ”I had no friends at school, I was half ET (the alien).” – Mara G. ”I was a quieter, shy, focused child, and I tended to remain more isolated and play alone. I felt different from my brothers, who were very moved. I did not accompany them and I always stayed at home. I had the fantasy of escaping from there, from that house that I never felt I was a part of.” — Alexandre V. In the future, it is difficult for the sexual E5 to experience normal interaction and feels that he does not belong to his family or to the world in general. ”The tune of The Ugly Duckling stuck with me: "I'm going far, this is the sad truth, maybe I'll find peace and happiness on my own." I wanted to escape from that environment. I was almost always in my room; cold, sore throat, sore throat, cough, constipation.” – Michele C. ”I always preferred to have a room just for myself. I insistently asked my parents. At twelve years old it was possible. And when she was at home, she spent most of her time indoors, not interacting with the family. He read and made plastic, with cutouts, paintings and various materials. I came to sell some of the things I made, people liked it a lot. I spent my time creating in isolation. And I learned guitar from a nun but I played very softly so that no one could hear me.” – Maria Luisa F. Inadequacy ”I was going like a ball for years between my house and my aunt's, feeling like a nuisance and an inconvenience in both places, a weight and even because of the air I breathed (little), guilty for being different strange (my mother repeated to me often: «But why aren't you like the others?») She was homeless, a being without a home, without a family, without a place.” – Michele C. "At the age of three I started going to kindergarten. The first day my mother's detachment was tragic. Every time he was about to leave, I would burst into tears and throw myself back into his arms. I even vomited. I think the problem is that I was slow to understand things and a huge distrust of my abilities was growing. On Saturday mornings there was a sea battle with the A boys. We moved into their class, the coordinates were drawn on the two blackboards, and then we played one class against the other. While all the kids kept raising their hands shouting "B6!", "A7!", "C9!", I was able to understand the game mechanics and couldn't give the coordinates to hit the enemy ships. This game was a metaphor: I was struggling to find the coordinates in the world, it was as if I lacked the data to guide me. The less I understood, the more I isolated myself. I felt less awake than the others, less intelligent." – Piero A. Castrated aggressiveness The lack of expression of emotions includes, of course, aggressiveness. The sexual Is does not express it or allow himself a healthy aggressiveness: he sabotages his projects and turns his rage against himself, in a self-destructive process. "A silent and unconscious rage never fully declared either to myself or to the world. Inside me there was a deep restlessness, an ingrained evil of existing. To get out of apathy and fill the void, I looked for strong sensations in music and sports, as if they were drugs." – Piero A. Nature In nature, the sexual E5 manages to contact the "magic" of life. In its silent beauty that asks for nothing in return, it is the ideal environment for this character. Already as a child he feeds on plants and animals, transferring there a need for safe, non-invasive and stable contact. He finds in nature the possibility of hiding and disappearing and satisfies the need for space and romantic emotional contact. "In the country, where my aunt, I spent my days crouched in the tall grass, geo-observing insects and plants, listening to the sounds of nature in absolute silence. And climbing trees, catching snakes, slithering through the darkest places, fearless." – Michele A. Introspection From his early childhood, he is already an introspective and silent observer, who lives a fantasy to the detriment of concrete life. "My mother used to refer to my usual behavior as: "He doesn't talk but he looks a lot." Opening up to a smile was a rare thing; laugh, almost a miracle that left them all surprised." – Maria Luiza F. "I lived much more as a spectator than as an explorer of life." – Mara G. Loss of confidence The experience of many sexual E5 is not having been respected in their intimacy. We find clumsy or cruel mothers who penetrate her with disregard for the child's feelings and ridicule the child's need to maintain a reserved space. This encroachment fuels the need to take refuge and the crazy idea of ​​another is dangerous. "The affective and material precariousness have marked my character, leading me to isolation, mistrust, lack of compassion and extreme selectivity in the world of relationships." – Michael C. "The trust I had in my mother was lost throughout my early childhood. But the remnants of the small bond he still had with her were gone by the age of eleven. My father disappeared from home for a month or more. My mother would be desperate, and I would be very scared. One day, I was playing soccer in front of my house when she called me to talk. He began to cry accusatorily: You are a child who does not take care of me, does not caress me, you live only for yourself. You don't help me at home, you don't help me take care of your brothers and I have to do everything by myself. At that moment I felt something drop from my heart to my feet, as if my soul had left, leaving my body and falling to the ground. From that moment on, I completely distanced myself from her and my siblings, leaving myself with the guilt of not taking care of them as I "should" when I was eleven years old. A few months later, I definitely lost the trust I still had in my father. There was a Sunday lunch with family and friends at home. Around five o'clock I went to bathe to go to mass with my grandmother. I undressed in the bathroom and an older woman asked me to open the door, she wanted to urinate. I told him that I was getting into the shower and that I was naked. She said she wouldn't look at me, to which I replied that I was embarrassed. Then my father knocked on the door and told me to open it. I put on the towel and opened. So, he took me to the room where all the guests were, and he took off my towel, leaving me naked in front of everyone." – Alexandre V. Affective disengagement with parents The affective bond with the father is of an avoidant and distant type. He has been someone emotionally and physically absent, with whom he has had no contact or shared experiences, and from whom he has often learned to withdraw from the relationship as a defense against invasiveness. He is a father who “leaves the son in the hands” of the mother, thus hindering the resolution of the oedipal conflict, which involves the separation of the son from his mother. "I had a moment of contact with my father when he picked me up, thinking I was sleeping, to carry me to bed. I pretended that I was asleep, because I figured if he saw that I was awake he would make me walk. I remember that very pleasant contact in his arms, and the result of a pretense of mine in order to receive that pleasure." – Maria Luiza F. "The only memory I have of a happy contact with my father was when I was five years old, when I received my dark belt in judo. He hugged me and scooped me up, like I was a trophy for him." – Alexandre V. The mother is a person "too" present, who asks the son to fill his existential emptiness. She suffers and, focused on herself, implicitly or explicitly requires the child to deal with her loneliness. Expect him to be your companion, a friend or a partner who finally guesses your pain and your need. It conveys the message of being a special person for her, at the high price of being gobbled up and dominated. "I remember my mother, in addition to the humiliations, the invasion. He used to fill my plate forcing me to finish everything, he lent my things to my cousins ​​and he raised my hand many times. I have no memories of hugging or any other type of physical contact with my parents; not dialogue." – Piero A. "The first part of my life is barren of love. A depressive, invasive, hyper-controlling, devaluing mother, who showed her rejection of me in various ways, including violently both verbally and physically. And a totally absent father, who at one point "left" my mother with me to seek fulfillment elsewhere; although he did not break up the marriage." – Monica C. "My mother often yelled and was indelicate, rough, she even groped me. My father, on the other hand, was too calm. He was affectionate but also very inhibited. He kept everything inside and gnawed at his stomach in silence; I never heard him scream or express his anger. He suffered from my mother, who sometimes publicly attacked him, even in front of others. He did not respond or defend himself, and I felt great humiliation. So, I learned from him to remain silent, without reacting. Especially because a feeling of shame overwhelmed me, because every time I expressed a need or let out an emotion, my mother made my mood public to everyone present out loud. I felt exposed, naked. It was impossible for me to defend myself. Anything I said could be used against me and I soon learned that the best strategy was to hide and show feigned calm. My nonchalance was appreciated and encouraged, so I began to put on the mask of the wise little man who doesn't let himself be touched by anything. Getting angry would have been a sign of unforgivable weakness." – Piero A. 7. Person and shadow: what is destructive for themselves and others According to Jung, the person is an archetypal impulse to adapt to external and collective reality. In childhood, in general, our roles are determined by paternal and maternal expectations, which the child will try to fulfill. This is how he adopts behaviors that correspond to what is expected of him, or what he thinks is expected of him, and creates a mask that shows a collectively accepted side, while hiding (repressing) what is not in agreement with what he believes is expected of him. established, which usually becomes unconscious: this shadow that will act autonomously on your psyche, invading your conscience and causing you to behave in a way that you would never do in sane conscience. The person of the sexual E5 improves when he connects with his instincts and can experience pleasure, enjoyment and aggressiveness, as a way of going for what he wants. A good tool to achieve this is through movement or body work, which helps us to embody ourselves in our body and feel ourselves on an emotional level and brings us to the present. “This connection brought me, the first time I made it, a dream in which I was eaten by a baby. I think this is a denied aspect of the Five, the fear of being devoured by it and, at the same time, wanting love as a way of incorporating it within oneself.” – Mireia D. The most self-destructive thing is the demand with which the sexual E5 is treated and spoken. It takes the form of obsessive thinking that you can't get out of, giving itself the more tired you are and becoming a vicious circle. What he has done is never enough, he can always give more, he can always take more care of others, he is always guilty of how he does things and that is why they go wrong. You could always work harder than you do and you are exhausted because you have done so many things and you don't realize how exhausted you are; he still thinks he could have done more. "As in the relationship with my mother there was no love but it was marked by coldness, strict attention to needs and invasion, I grew up believing that I had to hide my need for a bond, that it was something that could not be had, and less, to show, and I hid it so deep inside of me that I didn't even know I had it." – Mireia D. "Having to hold the mask of self-sufficiency, of not needing the other, isolates me, dehumanizes me. I have to make a great effort for pain, my insecurity and my fear of the other. I repress the desire to calmly ask for my help and the presence of someone, and I start hurting myself internally." – Mara G. Neurotic behavior, therefore, is believing that one does not have to need others or have needs, that one hardly even has to exist. The distrust and resignation of having to do things alone and that the best way to be is without cover those unsatisfied childhood needs, or someone will one day come who will cover them. And from there he mistreats, from the demand to the other when he does not meet his expectations, which happens at some point in the relationship. And at the same time, it is demanded not to need the other. It is linked from how a relationship should be, with its duties and obligations. And he gets very angry when the other does not comply and then he gets angry and asks for explanations. "The first time I gave myself sexually, the person left me. The next night I dreamed that I killed that person. Shortly after, a friend told me that her partner had left her and she was very sad. The next night I dreamed that I was teaching my friend how to kill a man, it seemed like the most natural thing in the world." Another neurotic way of not feeling the pain of not having what you need, that is, love and affection, is by doing a lot of things, especially taking up all your time with work. Not leaving any free space to be without doing anything. With what is exhausted and can have physical discomfort, at the same time that he is not with his partner because he has all the time occupied. Or he has many friends to meet or seduce, as a way of not deepening any relationship. Not having lived intimate relationships means that, when he establishes it, he does not know how to do it from love and dedication; therefore, he never gives himself to the other, he keeps a part just in case. There he hurts the other, who never feels that he has him, and also himself, because he has to maintain a constant state of alert, as if he lived in survival mode and could not relax with others. This idea that you don't need anyone can make you, when someone hurts you deeply, put a wall between the two of you and decide that the other no longer exists. "I call that "doing harakiri." I have a fantasy that I will be able to retract my emotional world so that I don't care anymore. Which I do in the practical field by not seeing that person anymore, imagining that they no longer exist." – Mireia D. "I do not take responsibility for my life by blaming others. I become inert and resentful. My resentment leads to a subtle revenge: from victim to aggressor, with isolation and heartbreak. With the distancing I attack the other but also deprive myself of contact. And I also hurt myself by not expressing my rage: I self-destruct and sabotage my life; I don't accept myself, I don't forgive myself for my mistakes, just as I don't forgive others." – Alexandre V. By denying the need for bonds, but with the real need for contacts to survive, he over-adapts. This leads him into relationships where he is used and taken advantage of. He is not very aware when this happens, he does not record it, just as he does not realize when he is the exploiter. Being disconnected from himself and from others, he does not value what he has or what he knows; he can give money or hours of work, or not give anything when asked by someone who really needs it, because he is not aware of what it has cost him or others to follow something or ask for something. The sexual E5 is called a "bedroom tyrant" because when he has a desire, he expects the other to satisfy him immediately and this is a way of using others. "The most hidden thing is a fantasy of being the slave of someone who wants you very much and tortures you by giving you pleasure and you have no will and give yourself totally. This has been the only thing that has cost me to recognize about myself of all that I have discovered about myself." – Mireia D. The sexual E5 is one of the most seductive characters of the Enneagram. His seduction is intended to "find" the soul mate that will restore total confidence, which he will never feel as such because he is basically distrustful. The dedication that appears when falling in love with his romanticism makes the other believe in his availability, until the selfish romantic reveals himself, who wants the other to accept him without conditions and conform to his rhythm and his need, who knows Guess what he wants and at the same time stay in the corner he has set aside for you. And that he also accepts his amorous excursions without moving away because, in the end, what he is looking for is a mother who picks him up and hugs him despite everything. This is also manifested in their sexuality, which is based more on the search for skin contact than on instinct. "My desire for unconditional love and my possessiveness end up "sucking" the other's soul, taking away their freedom and spontaneity. I remain in the egoism of greed, that of only receiving, that of obtaining only gratification." – Alexandre V. 8. Love This character embodies the archetype of romantic love, a slave of love in continuous search for the other ideal or, rather, the equal. Wait for the perfect partner, harbor the magical thought that there is a saving relationship. “The passionate search for an absolute love that he imagined pure, uncontaminated by other motives, began already in childhood, sprinkled with dreams and daydreams. The fantasy was, and has remained for a long time, to be able to find the ideal friend or partner, perfect in every way, able to complete me and heal my wounds. I hoped that he would love me unconditionally, thus appeasing the inner desolation that inhabited me.” – Ilaria C. The lair of two, as this passion is sometimes called, is not exclusively concretized in the couple, but refers to that mirror that looks in the other through an exclusive dual relationship. But so idealized that, as soon as there is real contact, it is immediately questioned. “There are not a few times that I have thought I had actually found the person who seemed to embody this ideal, only to be quickly disappointed. In a short time, in fact, I began to observe shortcomings and imperfections that gave rise to the first disagreements and irreparable disagreements: a sharp word, a clumsy gesture or a manipulation that was impossible for me to ignore or forget. Without knowing it, the other was subjected to tests that proved he lived up to my expectations and need for exclusive trust.” – Ilaria C. The longing for love collides with a strong fear of invasion. “After each contact that I experience intensely (especially love exchanges) I feel the urgent need to return to myself, detaching myself from the other person and even physically isolating myself, if possible.” – Patrick M. “Love intimidates me, love is something dangerous, vindictive and manipulative. Love wants something.” – Michel T. Naranjo's theory of love recognizes admiring love as the most accessible for enneatype 5 which, among the admiring characters (E5, E6 and E1), is the most erotic. And the sexual subtype has access to erotic love more easily than the other two. He has a self-image of goodness and kindness, but he confuses erotic love with compassionate love and uses the embraced Eros and receiving the warm attention that he feels is infinitely lacking in mind. Eros is filial, instinctive love, it is our bodily bond to feel with life, and the secular repression of this drive disconcerts to the point of making it difficult to recognize. The erotic instinct for this character has been the most weakened, and that is why the fixation here is greater. Eroticism is embodied in the body, but this subtype idealizes it in romance. It is even possible to affirm that, in sexual greed, erotic love becomes doubly predominant and, at the same time, dysfunctional, to the detriment of compassionate and admiring love. Because, despite the shy and avoidant character of greed, when it assumes the movement of withholding and not giving, it becomes excessively directed towards its own satisfaction. In this way, the sexual instinct is contaminated and exceeds the desire for selfish satisfaction, and the result is a sad characteristic trait of disinterest in the other. "Acting erotically is perhaps the path that seems to me to be the easiest, although impermeable. Eroticism and *** make me feel appreciated and valuable. I try to satiate myself through eroticism when maybe I'm ham breath of intimacy... or perhaps to feel appreciated, recognized in my courage and abilities." – Patrick M. Erotic love is characterized in this character by projections and attempts at infantile reparation through the romantic partner, who is its "savior." As we already mentioned, the sexual instinct is dysfunctional and, therefore, the way of giving or receiving love will also be compromised in this subtype. This will "filter" any kind of love through the sexual sphere, whether in the form of compulsive hyper-valuation or a purely symbolic experience (a virtual sexuality); both hindering the knowledge of the true face of Eros. Therefore, it will be through his idealization objects (affective partners) that he will also expect to receive maternal love-the care and protection that he may not have had in childhood, including eroticization, as well as admiring love, since he wishes receive in return the excessive admiration, he has for the person who is the object of his projections. "Very rarely did I have loving attitudes towards my brothers, parents or friends, not even with girlfriends; I kept the love for the idealized woman, who never realized it." – Alexandre V. Idealization and divinization is often reflected in sexuality as a rejection of what is strictly human, sometimes as a sexual renunciation in favor of the divine relationship, and other times, in an exaggerated eroticism disconnected from affectivity, which can reach turn into perversion. Therefore, although he is extremely sexual, the person of this character does not suppress his emotional lack in ***: His erotic love, being so idealized, is almost impossible to achieve, and he confuses it on the one hand with admiring love and, on the other, it results in overexcitement. Although pleasure is experienced with the fear of being castrated, Eros is the preferred channel for contact. The sexual E5 accesses the game more easily than the other subtypes and in the relationship, this is often confused with affection. It also happens with himself: masturbation becomes the only way to give himself love, to feel pleasure, to contain himself in the feeling of dispersion and emptiness. Unlike that idealized tender contact in the couple, in *** this character is not so tender. ***, idealized as sacred and mystical, is in fact one of the few places where it actively asserts itself in the relationship, displaying its possessiveness and intrusiveness. "Only when the initial phase of contact has occurred do I let go completely, and that kind of delicacy and shyness fades and in sexuality I can let go unrestrainedly, intensely, sometimes even roughly, often representing a domain relationship: maybe I'm not really free but only my aggressive part. I am very much looking for this state where I can let go until the end." – Patrick M. The closed and symbiotic relationship that he seeks with his partner necessarily leads to the desire to receive all three types of love from the same person, as he is not open to other relationships or other dimensions of life. The link (pseudo-link) formed is so strong that there is no room for anything else. However, the sexual E5 does not really see his partner, only his idealization. He is also not interested in offering love but only *** or something virtual. The care of the other, when it happens, comes from egoic motivations to receive something in return. He can hardly offer his partner a little admiring love, given his immense idealization, but it is a love that lasts only as long as the idealized being continues with the status of being divine and infallible. As soon as the illusions fall, so does the admiration for the partner. Once the infatuation and the strong physical attraction have faded, so does the idealization of the partner, and he doubts that what remains is love. Having lost the erotic charge, *** becomes mechanical. "Withdrawing my feeling, the eroticism ended up emptying out and becoming raw, detached, and mental. I myself did not support the intimacy that I aspired to and I could not live up to the ideal of reliability that I imposed on the other. So the only thing I had to do was wait for the link, from my point of view, already damaged, to dissolve slowly and by inertia, wearing out as if by itself." – Ilaria C. The sexual E5 leaves, therefore, no room for a real and human relationship. It is also not easy for him to understand what devotion is and how to access it. Naranjo described him as an iconoclastic and arrogant character who does not recognize authority. His behavior might almost seem envious, considering his competitiveness, but it actually reflects fear of losing his worth the moment he recognizes it in the other. Their ability to admire the Goddess woman or the God man may offer some opening of admiring love, but it is also a search for love as compensation for a distant or weak father figure. And he usually looks for it in the form of spiritual, intellectual or artistic guidance. But this love is also subject to the same setbacks as in the couple, according to the itinerary idealization → trust → mistrust → lack of love. "Approaching a teacher or someone higher in the work hierarchy, by training or experience, is difficult for me. Outwardly I become subservient and secretly I rebel. I do it by working poorly, carelessly, holding back, sabotaging my work. I get into the same dynamic that I have with my parents, as a teenager." – Michel T. What is devotion to him? In the first place, nature fascinates him, he idealizes it for its perfection and justice, it is a sacred element where he can take refuge and isolate himself, where nobody questions anything and where it would be nice to die, far from social rituals. "Culturally, in my family, I was educated in a scientific way, in a place where God was repudiated and supplanted by knowledge, so I could not have a space for spirituality. What he did have was admiration for Creation, for nature; not for the man and his work, which I still feel impure." – Michel T. It also has easy access to aesthetics and recognizes the beauty in objects, in art, in people. Like the social subtype, he has a passion for knowledge, which he experiences more as a collection of information, of books; in search more of a pleasure of possession in series than of a restitution to others of the acquired knowledge; books become silent talking parents. "Sometimes it was hard for me to accept the value of the other and I tended to put myself above or, if it was not sustainable, below. I love being appreciated for how much I know and how smart I am, and I avoid situations that might put me in a different situation than my worth." – Patrick M. "I felt that I always had to stand out for intelligence and wisdom." – Ilaria C. The little that the E5 sexual has left over for a maternal or compassionate love is for the children, and nothing else. It is his less developed love. He recounts a sexual love that compassionate love was the one he found in his life and that, despite all his search for love, a great erotic and admiring treasure, it was this that saved him from his own selfishness and transformed his inner aridity into a flowery field This character knows how to adore a person but not how to approach their humanity, their pain. The sensation that he experiences when he is next to the pain of others is one of overwhelm and fear of being . Her idealization of the relationship tends towards fusion in search of the lost maternal bond, while she is afraid of merging with the other and losing her subjectivity. "I realized how much I had missed an intimate and loving contact with my mother, that she had been absent in a way that scared me - I remember her eyes lost in the void - or bothered me because I felt used by her, even raped." – Ilaria C. He is cynical with all humanity and with himself, a consequence of an inadequate reception of his feelings by the family. There is no memory of maternal love and he is in contact with this lack, resigned and angry at the same time. When he receives this type of love, as if he doesn't know what it is, he confuses it with contempt or devaluation. "In my family you can't suffer, only my mother can. I do not remember a space to welcome the pain, not even for the death of my father. I don't remember my mother's warmth; I remember her hands slapping me. Then he called me to go to his bed where he opened me, he rubbed and caressed, but his hands were hard and couldn't calm me down. in that embrace that imprisoned me." – Michel T. She pretends to be sweet and adorable to seduce and manipulate a potential surrogate mother. It is the sweetness of the puppy ready to play and have ***. He knows how to be formally in a relationship, he knows how to caress and talk to give pleasure but not to give comfort or acceptance. He does not know how to give or receive that quality of love that is compassion. "Approaching the women I desired, and deep down feared, was difficult, I never felt adequate and entitled to love, I was a beggar of love. The only way to have it was to steal it, and what I took wasn't love, it was objects." – Michel T. Giving oneself to others is giving without receiving anything in return: there is no return from the other when one truly gives oneself. But the infantile structure of the sexual E5 does not understand that, by falling for the other, one receives in return in other ways, beyond the interplay between erotic love: well-being, happiness or spiritual peace. Unfortunately, he is still addicted to erotic love, exclusively.