written dec 27th 11am eastern time

i do feel some kind of way because i texted my irl friend about the plans we had like our last text msg was "see you then" before i texted her the day before we were supposed to link "are you still free tomorrow" and then no response. nothing. 

then 5 days later she texts me merry Christmas and i reciprocated greetings and that's that


that's why i didn't text you yesterday 
bc i had already sent those texts saying to enjoy your night 
then when the day came i saw you playing overwatch so i just never msg'd you bc i thought you forgot just like my other friend 

i wasn't home anyways i was at my grandmas apartment so i only had my phone but i still could've watched something or leave the apartment to go home so we could still have time to watch a movie and chat but i didn't because i saw you never messaged me back. 

i didn't wanna double text
i didn't wanna be that person to remind the other people we had plans .. it happens constantly and i just got ignored by an irl doing it too so it was a fresh wound where my plans that i make with my friend hold little value 

it always seems to me that . i get super excited to do things with my friends, like, more than normal people. it's kind of unhealthy. it's as if i would give you the clothes off my back just to please my friends. 

that's what happened last time with that guy i left in the middle of the forest because he kept using me for my money and he was my friend but what kind of friend is that? so he's gone. 

so i don't know what is the right thing to do anymore

i did not wanna message you about the plans we had. i was hoping you would remember them and text me about it. 

if that ruined our friendship , or put a stain on it. so it be. because i'm tired anya. i hold you so so high up i'm basically borderline platonically in love with you

and that's where things get a bit blurry 
because i respect ya and i love ya and when u love somebody, even platonically. ! You get some weird shit going on to protect them or your own feelings. 

bc even tho it is platonic it is still love and kind of an obsession 
like i am obsessed over u
i guess so?
idk why! This is the first time i'm admitting it to myself too! 

I'm obsessed because you are a very good friend and i can talk to you about anything and everything 

I don't have a desire to date you i just really like you as a person. Platonically!!!!

You are nice to me and are funny as hell 
You share things with me and it's not a one sided friendship 

I've been obsessed with other friends and it was pretty one sided (on my side) but i still called them best friends and all that

What's funny is, the one friend i had for so many years, a few weeks after i messaged her saying she's my best friend, we had a falling out

It's like i just put it out there that she was that important to me and it got ripped away from me

Would the same thing happen to you? 
You are important to me and i love you dearly so would you get ripped away from me too? 

Would our friendship implode because i feel so strongly about you and want your validation and attention where i end up not texting you just to see if you would text me 

I withheld sending you something i saw on tiktok yesterday bc i was waiting you you to message me

is that. bad? i think it is but what can i do? i've done it so many times and it's always something inside me. deep down inside me, fighting a battle if i should do this or that with you (and anyone in general

too much bullshit has happened in my life where it silently affected me and how i talk to you and anyone ever

I am pretty authentic with you. I guess if i were to be my true self i would've message you "are we still watching a movie 🥲" when i saw you playing ow2 

i don't wanna be that though? 
we have the ability to change ourselves.  who we really are. our shadow selves. and my change that i wanna make is to not beg my friends to hang out 

Honestly, it doesn't apply here because i don't see you as a simple friend. You're like a super friend. I am sure my mind is thinking that we are practically together but without the romance. 

Like ah yes of course you are supposed to read me and know to message me because i sent the last text the day before so you gotta do the tango and lure me back in because i don't wanna beg for your attention but you do it because you simply enjoy my company. you do it for your own benefit, not like you owe me a favor. 

I am discovering most these things for the first time myself while i'm writing this too ! 

i wish i didn't have to tango all by myself 
i wish the tango flowed smoothly 
like you know exactly what i want & i know exactly what you want

i don't think you view me the way i view you. probably because im assuming you had healthier relationships throughout your life

That causes me to hold you up on a pedestal

I'm a regular friend to you but you are a super friend to me and it is that difference in how we see each other where things get a little fucked up and misinterpreted ! 

So i hope after writing all of this 
You can view it from my point of view 
And understand why i do the things i do
Because i think i figured out why i do some of the things i do myself by writing this



Edit dec 27th 8pm: you know anya. im real sorry. i wish i could have been a better friend and i act this way because my friends weren't good to me

hope you can forgive me

--- edit dec 28th 12:17am: i called that same friend earlier at 7pm and i just fuckin hit the button to call her again but immediately hung up what the fuck is wrong with my fingers for the past 5 minutes???
she didn't pick up btw. i called her bc i was on the road and would have picked her up to do what i had planned with her but i ended up with nothing. ---